Jangan terbuduh kerana juduh

Saja je letak tajuk gitu sebab asalnya nak letak 'juduh' je tetiba terpikir the word 'buduh' maka terhasillah statement seperti di atas. Padahal content mungkin takde kaitan. Ahaha.

Tahla tiba-tiba teringat one night after I finished my shift - I was working at a coffee shop in the city at the time and I stopped to buy my dinner before heading home at this burger stall. I think I've seen the stall quite a number of times but I usually get mine from a different one, malam tu tergerak hati nak try yang abang sorang ni punya. When I approached him, he was a man in his 30s, probably late 30s. Very lean, specky, kopiah on his head. He was chatty from first meet. And tak tau macam mana boleh masuk pasal cite jodoh. Maybe he was asking me the usual, dah berkeluarga ke belum etc. And maybe I answered with, yknow, yang kita selalu jawab. Belom, doakan - added with: jodoh sesat etc etc for humour and berbasa-basi. Hahaha. And then he said something: jodoh jangan cari dik. And that kinda struck me. I asked him to clarify; oh, jangan cari eh? And he said yup. I think he said something like; jodoh ni something yang kita takyah go out of our way la to find. Gitu maksud dia. Almost like dia akan datang sendiri.

Tapi tu la aku dibesarkan dengan idea kita kena usaha dalam segenap aspek, including cari jodoh. Doa tu tetap doa la, I'm sure abang ni maksudkan tak cari as in literally.

Kadang-kadang I teringat la jugak apa dia cakap tu. Pastu bila pikir-pikir balik with all the friends from the opposite sex I have throughout the years, I can categorize them. Ada yang aku minat tak minat aku. Ada yang minat aku, aku tak minat dia. Ada yang main usik2 (read: flirt) tapi tak confess2. And tbh? Being friends with the opposite sex does have its price. Sometimes a whole lot, sometimes a little. Depends. Tapi ada jugak category yang memang #brosforlife as in tak mungkin. Yall know memang tak mungkin akan bersama git0h. And category ni kau leh lek2 sikit. Actually semua pun kena wat lek tapi kita manusia en. Kadang2 terciduk. Kadang2 takde feeling tapi eh tetiba tersuka.

And I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the talking stage, of getting to know people. I'm tired of navigating through my feelings. Tired of drawing lines, of engaging, of disengaging. Tired of tip-toeing, wading through. It's not that deep, but it is that deep. Especially if you're 26 and single and looking. You feel me?

So bila aku teringat statement tu, aku boleh kaitkan dengan keadaan aku ni. Apa yang aku dah buat, you name it. I was the shy type. Tak berapa nak kawan dengan lelaki zaman sekolah dulu, at least not in real life sebab malu sangat3. I did talk to 1-2 guys post-SPM/asasi tapi gitu2 je. Tau2 masing2 bawak diri. Early 20s dah start rilek. Went into my first serious relationship. Didn't work. This is getting quite personal but I just want to say that I've been them all. I've been the shy one, and I've been the going out one. And kalau Allah kata bukan jodoh? Tetap bukan jodoh. So why bother.

Tapi aku ada jugak pemikiran camni - at least I try. At least kalau tak jadi pun Allah akan reward aku dengan jodoh sebab aku cuba untuk kenal dengan orang. Kalau bukan dengan dia pun, dengan orang lain.

Aku pun tak tau apa konklusi post ni. Korang pikirla sendiri. Mungkin ada benarnya apa yang abang burger tu cakap. Dan mungkin ada benarnya juga kalau kita nak berjodoh kita kena kenal dengan orang. Tak bolehla reclusive? Pastu ko ingat jodoh kau turun dari langit? Ayah Pin much?

Tepuk dada tanya selera. Dia bukan one size fits all. Semua ada kisah bertemu jodoh masing2 yang unik.

Aku rasa yang paling paling penting which aku selalu jugak terlupa is to take care of the batas. And I think the limit is also up to you. You know yourself better.

Yang belum bertemu jodoh tu selamatlah mencari (or not, up to you). Yang aku tau aku penat. Hahaha

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #6: Esok dah Raya???

I thought I had at least 10 posts and I come on here and I only have 5 lololol but that is expected of me as sad as it sounds... bro my aim was to write allll 30 days but you know what they say - reach for the stars.

There's honestly 2 posts in my drafts of things I want to talk about but one is a little ~meh right now and one is too pressing and I don't have the braincells for it at the moment.

Apart from those two there's nothing much honestly. It's been an interesting Ramadhan, of ups and downs, mentally, emotionally and physically. Working at home, trying (but failing) to fit in study sessions, etc. Would I have gone back and did it another way? Honestly no. There's no point. We walk on...

I think this is going to be my last Ramadhan lockdown diary. Aww. Tetiba hati kecilku berkata I wish I would've written more. There's more coming, just no more Ramadhan :'(

Take care everyone and have a blessed Raya with your loved ones. Remember me in your prayers <3 p="">

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #5: Burger King Goofiness

I feel like I’m too serious sometimes. And too anxious. I also feel like I beat myself down too much for being so serious and anxious hahaha. There’s never winning when I’m in these personal battles. The battle between changing and also giving myself room to breathe. The reality is I’m doing Ok. But I like to challenge myself. Sometimes too hard. I am aware that I have flaws to correct. But they should be... treated like a guest not an enemy. Only then I can sit with them nicely even if I completely despise them. Knowing that I can always make up an excuse and they’re gonna have to leave eventually. I feel like that’s how we should all see it. Cos we can’t run from our flaws. Save ourselves all these unnecessary stress!😆

Do you have one of those images captured in your mind? From another time in your lives? Vivid memories. The ones you can replay again and again in your head. Btw this reminds me of the red star test that’s been going around. The imagine a red star thing and you rate your imagination from 0-5, 0 meaning you cannot form the image of a star in your mind, 5 if you can see a whole red star. I found it interesting that we have these variations. I forgot what the term is called. Anyways. I have a few of those vivid images in my mind. One of them is from a time me and my mom were at this Burger King. We used to have one nearby our house before it closed down, now substituted by a gentrified mamak place lol. Don't get me wrong, I love it. The ginger tea and currypuff is to die for. Although the price makes you die also.

So we were sitting inside this Burger King (BK lah senang) and they had this huge glass separating the indoors from the outdoors. Out there sat three women probably in their 20s. I must’ve been 11 or 12 at the time; the age where you had this awe seeing pretty young women. Especially when they're carefree haha. You cam 'apa la yang seronok sangat eh?' Cambest je tengok. Three friends just hanging out. I was practically staring at them through the glass lol. And then it was time for them to leave. BK used to have those foldable paper crowns, remember? And one of them had it and she wore it. She stood up and made a show of like half jumping, half flapping her arms. Just being silly and goofy with that crown on her head imitating a child. And her friends were laughing. I remember exactly this. I remember feeling slightly amused, also slightly like 'eh eh dia ni hehe' you feel? Like omg you're so silly but in an awesome way.

And I ingat benda tu sampai sekarang.

Life is so funny. To this day I still am in awe of that particular moment. Everytime I replay it I rasa cam I bebudak balik, and I look up sangat dekat that goofy lady I don't even know why hahaha. But it's a nice memory. Maybe, just maybe, Allah bagi I ingat that particular scene so I remember to release. That there's no problem in being a little goofy, a little laid back. Sometimes you just have to put on a paper crown and amuse your two bestfriends. Cos maybe sometimes that's all there is to this fast-paced, kiasu little thing we call life.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #4: It's not you, it's me

Now that my workspace is in my bedroom (it used to be in the guest bedroom downstairs) I feel far from my mom cewah mengada. I hear her talking on the phone etc but I don't see her as compared to when I was utilizing the room downstairs.

I moved up because my brother is coming home soon and he usually uses that room (baik en I) also the room can be really hot la tbh. If my brother uses it he will switch on the fan and the air-conditioner but I'm not a fan (PUN NOT INTENDED) of switching on both at the same time or having the air-con on during the day. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like air-cons are only for nighttime. Miskeen. (fyi miskeen means like, keciaaan dia or like kamp0ng - for lack of better term - in Somali. Not miskin in the Malay sense)

Anyways.

I'm done with Zoom classes for the day. It's 2:17pm and the dishes downstairs are all wiped and done. I want to resume my content writing but I decided to blog first so I won't miss today before I get caught up in other work. Ramadhan nights are usually filled and I'm trying (unsuccesfully) to retire early to bed. This sleeping late every night isn't good for my skin! Wow superficialnya fikir kulit je ya.

Here's a question for everybody:
How many books did you say you'll read but haven't gotten around to reading? Here's mine.

And to be really honest this isn't the whole thing pun. I have a few more in another room but I deliberately arranged these in front of me so that I will at least pick one up and read... not. The most (pages) I've gotten into is Kindred. And to think I was so eager to read the book before I got it and the passion died after a few chapters or so. Not that it's not a good book. It's not the book. It's me. I don't know what's gotten into the girl who would spend hours reading. Social media is one culprit. It's very distracting. And just sheer... laziness? Is it laziness? Or an inability to focus on a task at hand. Either way it's annoying.

I've started reading all the books above and stopped abruptly except for two which I haven't even started reading yet.

Long ago I shared with a friend I couldn't bring myself to finish a book I lent her. She returned it to me wrapped with a little note in it saying how much she loved the book and that I should 'push through and be amazed.' I loved it. But I didn't read it.

Maybe my phone and laptop should be taken away and I cast myself off to a deserted island with all these unread books. In a straitjacket and my eyes pried open. Because I would still find pebbles or rocks to play with on the island. Heck I'd probably just spend my time in the sea.

Wow speaking of which I really miss the sea. Will be sure to go once all this hooha is over.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #3: Daily routine

Two days streak of blogging hello hello. Lookin good.

My day starts at - I wanna say sahurtime but let's be real, I tidur balik. My actual day starts 15 mins before my Zoom class in which I wash my face, brush my teeth and slip on a jacket and tudung before setting up my laptop. On Tuesdays-Thursdays it starts at about 9-ish, Mondays and Fridays late 9-ish cos classes start after 10am. This goes on until afternoon because I have three sessions now. It used to be just two sessions in the morning and one in the late afternoon tapi bulan pose ni aku bawak pagi la semua. Tak larat mak nak buat kelas pukul 4pm tengah2 pose ye. Budak pun ngantuk.

Lepas kelas aku update attendance/neno2 kat medsos/update content. I make content at this one site hehe but I’m not allowed to disclose where. Buat duit poket sikit huhu🤲🏼

And then I go downstairs and see what I can help in the kitchen. Setel2 semua naik balik. Ikutla baca Qur’an ke, tido ke. Macam tadi aku baca few m/s Qur’an, pastu tido. Plan nak tido 30 mins jadi dekat tiga jam hahahahaha *Marge Simpson embarrassed reation pic*

And then I go down again, and help my mom cook. Setel2 pinggan dalam sinki. Honestly this daily cooking and cleaning thing is getting to me. I don’t like it at all but I have no choice. Dahla aku jenis takleh tengok benda sepah2 (most of the time) so aku akan stres sambil tu sebab aku cam eeiii nape dapur bersepah?? Sebab tak biasa dengan keadaan dapur function camni. Dapur kitorang selama ni tempat dadar telur and buat teh je. Omey en. Ni tetiba hari2 kena gosok stove, kena mop lantai. I be like 🥵

P/s: ni kangkung salah beli haritu. Aku buat masak air hari ni kahkahkah.