Jangan terbuduh kerana juduh

Saja je letak tajuk gitu sebab asalnya nak letak 'juduh' je tetiba terpikir the word 'buduh' maka terhasillah statement seperti di atas. Padahal content mungkin takde kaitan. Ahaha.

Tahla tiba-tiba teringat one night after I finished my shift - I was working at a coffee shop in the city at the time and I stopped to buy my dinner before heading home at this burger stall. I think I've seen the stall quite a number of times but I usually get mine from a different one, malam tu tergerak hati nak try yang abang sorang ni punya. When I approached him, he was a man in his 30s, probably late 30s. Very lean, specky, kopiah on his head. He was chatty from first meet. And tak tau macam mana boleh masuk pasal cite jodoh. Maybe he was asking me the usual, dah berkeluarga ke belum etc. And maybe I answered with, yknow, yang kita selalu jawab. Belom, doakan - added with: jodoh sesat etc etc for humour and berbasa-basi. Hahaha. And then he said something: jodoh jangan cari dik. And that kinda struck me. I asked him to clarify; oh, jangan cari eh? And he said yup. I think he said something like; jodoh ni something yang kita takyah go out of our way la to find. Gitu maksud dia. Almost like dia akan datang sendiri.

Tapi tu la aku dibesarkan dengan idea kita kena usaha dalam segenap aspek, including cari jodoh. Doa tu tetap doa la, I'm sure abang ni maksudkan tak cari as in literally.

Kadang-kadang I teringat la jugak apa dia cakap tu. Pastu bila pikir-pikir balik with all the friends from the opposite sex I have throughout the years, I can categorize them. Ada yang aku minat tak minat aku. Ada yang minat aku, aku tak minat dia. Ada yang main usik2 (read: flirt) tapi tak confess2. And tbh? Being friends with the opposite sex does have its price. Sometimes a whole lot, sometimes a little. Depends. Tapi ada jugak category yang memang #brosforlife as in tak mungkin. Yall know memang tak mungkin akan bersama git0h. And category ni kau leh lek2 sikit. Actually semua pun kena wat lek tapi kita manusia en. Kadang2 terciduk. Kadang2 takde feeling tapi eh tetiba tersuka.

And I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the talking stage, of getting to know people. I'm tired of navigating through my feelings. Tired of drawing lines, of engaging, of disengaging. Tired of tip-toeing, wading through. It's not that deep, but it is that deep. Especially if you're 26 and single and looking. You feel me?

So bila aku teringat statement tu, aku boleh kaitkan dengan keadaan aku ni. Apa yang aku dah buat, you name it. I was the shy type. Tak berapa nak kawan dengan lelaki zaman sekolah dulu, at least not in real life sebab malu sangat3. I did talk to 1-2 guys post-SPM/asasi tapi gitu2 je. Tau2 masing2 bawak diri. Early 20s dah start rilek. Went into my first serious relationship. Didn't work. This is getting quite personal but I just want to say that I've been them all. I've been the shy one, and I've been the going out one. And kalau Allah kata bukan jodoh? Tetap bukan jodoh. So why bother.

Tapi aku ada jugak pemikiran camni - at least I try. At least kalau tak jadi pun Allah akan reward aku dengan jodoh sebab aku cuba untuk kenal dengan orang. Kalau bukan dengan dia pun, dengan orang lain.

Aku pun tak tau apa konklusi post ni. Korang pikirla sendiri. Mungkin ada benarnya apa yang abang burger tu cakap. Dan mungkin ada benarnya juga kalau kita nak berjodoh kita kena kenal dengan orang. Tak bolehla reclusive? Pastu ko ingat jodoh kau turun dari langit? Ayah Pin much?

Tepuk dada tanya selera. Dia bukan one size fits all. Semua ada kisah bertemu jodoh masing2 yang unik.

Aku rasa yang paling paling penting which aku selalu jugak terlupa is to take care of the batas. And I think the limit is also up to you. You know yourself better.

Yang belum bertemu jodoh tu selamatlah mencari (or not, up to you). Yang aku tau aku penat. Hahaha

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #6: Esok dah Raya???

I thought I had at least 10 posts and I come on here and I only have 5 lololol but that is expected of me as sad as it sounds... bro my aim was to write allll 30 days but you know what they say - reach for the stars.

There's honestly 2 posts in my drafts of things I want to talk about but one is a little ~meh right now and one is too pressing and I don't have the braincells for it at the moment.

Apart from those two there's nothing much honestly. It's been an interesting Ramadhan, of ups and downs, mentally, emotionally and physically. Working at home, trying (but failing) to fit in study sessions, etc. Would I have gone back and did it another way? Honestly no. There's no point. We walk on...

I think this is going to be my last Ramadhan lockdown diary. Aww. Tetiba hati kecilku berkata I wish I would've written more. There's more coming, just no more Ramadhan :'(

Take care everyone and have a blessed Raya with your loved ones. Remember me in your prayers <3 p="">

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #5: Burger King Goofiness

I feel like I’m too serious sometimes. And too anxious. I also feel like I beat myself down too much for being so serious and anxious hahaha. There’s never winning when I’m in these personal battles. The battle between changing and also giving myself room to breathe. The reality is I’m doing Ok. But I like to challenge myself. Sometimes too hard. I am aware that I have flaws to correct. But they should be... treated like a guest not an enemy. Only then I can sit with them nicely even if I completely despise them. Knowing that I can always make up an excuse and they’re gonna have to leave eventually. I feel like that’s how we should all see it. Cos we can’t run from our flaws. Save ourselves all these unnecessary stress!😆

Do you have one of those images captured in your mind? From another time in your lives? Vivid memories. The ones you can replay again and again in your head. Btw this reminds me of the red star test that’s been going around. The imagine a red star thing and you rate your imagination from 0-5, 0 meaning you cannot form the image of a star in your mind, 5 if you can see a whole red star. I found it interesting that we have these variations. I forgot what the term is called. Anyways. I have a few of those vivid images in my mind. One of them is from a time me and my mom were at this Burger King. We used to have one nearby our house before it closed down, now substituted by a gentrified mamak place lol. Don't get me wrong, I love it. The ginger tea and currypuff is to die for. Although the price makes you die also.

So we were sitting inside this Burger King (BK lah senang) and they had this huge glass separating the indoors from the outdoors. Out there sat three women probably in their 20s. I must’ve been 11 or 12 at the time; the age where you had this awe seeing pretty young women. Especially when they're carefree haha. You cam 'apa la yang seronok sangat eh?' Cambest je tengok. Three friends just hanging out. I was practically staring at them through the glass lol. And then it was time for them to leave. BK used to have those foldable paper crowns, remember? And one of them had it and she wore it. She stood up and made a show of like half jumping, half flapping her arms. Just being silly and goofy with that crown on her head imitating a child. And her friends were laughing. I remember exactly this. I remember feeling slightly amused, also slightly like 'eh eh dia ni hehe' you feel? Like omg you're so silly but in an awesome way.

And I ingat benda tu sampai sekarang.

Life is so funny. To this day I still am in awe of that particular moment. Everytime I replay it I rasa cam I bebudak balik, and I look up sangat dekat that goofy lady I don't even know why hahaha. But it's a nice memory. Maybe, just maybe, Allah bagi I ingat that particular scene so I remember to release. That there's no problem in being a little goofy, a little laid back. Sometimes you just have to put on a paper crown and amuse your two bestfriends. Cos maybe sometimes that's all there is to this fast-paced, kiasu little thing we call life.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #4: It's not you, it's me

Now that my workspace is in my bedroom (it used to be in the guest bedroom downstairs) I feel far from my mom cewah mengada. I hear her talking on the phone etc but I don't see her as compared to when I was utilizing the room downstairs.

I moved up because my brother is coming home soon and he usually uses that room (baik en I) also the room can be really hot la tbh. If my brother uses it he will switch on the fan and the air-conditioner but I'm not a fan (PUN NOT INTENDED) of switching on both at the same time or having the air-con on during the day. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like air-cons are only for nighttime. Miskeen. (fyi miskeen means like, keciaaan dia or like kamp0ng - for lack of better term - in Somali. Not miskin in the Malay sense)

Anyways.

I'm done with Zoom classes for the day. It's 2:17pm and the dishes downstairs are all wiped and done. I want to resume my content writing but I decided to blog first so I won't miss today before I get caught up in other work. Ramadhan nights are usually filled and I'm trying (unsuccesfully) to retire early to bed. This sleeping late every night isn't good for my skin! Wow superficialnya fikir kulit je ya.

Here's a question for everybody:
How many books did you say you'll read but haven't gotten around to reading? Here's mine.

And to be really honest this isn't the whole thing pun. I have a few more in another room but I deliberately arranged these in front of me so that I will at least pick one up and read... not. The most (pages) I've gotten into is Kindred. And to think I was so eager to read the book before I got it and the passion died after a few chapters or so. Not that it's not a good book. It's not the book. It's me. I don't know what's gotten into the girl who would spend hours reading. Social media is one culprit. It's very distracting. And just sheer... laziness? Is it laziness? Or an inability to focus on a task at hand. Either way it's annoying.

I've started reading all the books above and stopped abruptly except for two which I haven't even started reading yet.

Long ago I shared with a friend I couldn't bring myself to finish a book I lent her. She returned it to me wrapped with a little note in it saying how much she loved the book and that I should 'push through and be amazed.' I loved it. But I didn't read it.

Maybe my phone and laptop should be taken away and I cast myself off to a deserted island with all these unread books. In a straitjacket and my eyes pried open. Because I would still find pebbles or rocks to play with on the island. Heck I'd probably just spend my time in the sea.

Wow speaking of which I really miss the sea. Will be sure to go once all this hooha is over.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #3: Daily routine

Two days streak of blogging hello hello. Lookin good.

My day starts at - I wanna say sahurtime but let's be real, I tidur balik. My actual day starts 15 mins before my Zoom class in which I wash my face, brush my teeth and slip on a jacket and tudung before setting up my laptop. On Tuesdays-Thursdays it starts at about 9-ish, Mondays and Fridays late 9-ish cos classes start after 10am. This goes on until afternoon because I have three sessions now. It used to be just two sessions in the morning and one in the late afternoon tapi bulan pose ni aku bawak pagi la semua. Tak larat mak nak buat kelas pukul 4pm tengah2 pose ye. Budak pun ngantuk.

Lepas kelas aku update attendance/neno2 kat medsos/update content. I make content at this one site hehe but I’m not allowed to disclose where. Buat duit poket sikit huhu🤲🏼

And then I go downstairs and see what I can help in the kitchen. Setel2 semua naik balik. Ikutla baca Qur’an ke, tido ke. Macam tadi aku baca few m/s Qur’an, pastu tido. Plan nak tido 30 mins jadi dekat tiga jam hahahahaha *Marge Simpson embarrassed reation pic*

And then I go down again, and help my mom cook. Setel2 pinggan dalam sinki. Honestly this daily cooking and cleaning thing is getting to me. I don’t like it at all but I have no choice. Dahla aku jenis takleh tengok benda sepah2 (most of the time) so aku akan stres sambil tu sebab aku cam eeiii nape dapur bersepah?? Sebab tak biasa dengan keadaan dapur function camni. Dapur kitorang selama ni tempat dadar telur and buat teh je. Omey en. Ni tetiba hari2 kena gosok stove, kena mop lantai. I be like 🥵

P/s: ni kangkung salah beli haritu. Aku buat masak air hari ni kahkahkah.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #2: Of Kangkung and Kale

*flashback first post* I plan to write ALLL 30 days of Ramadhan because I can.

CHOIIII.

Hahahaha eh dah hari keempat biar betik weh. Bulan ni laju kemain. Bulan 1 dengan bulan 3 haritu rasa stretchhhhh semacam. And the funny thing is these sentiments are shared by people across the world. I wonder why. I think cos... adjustment. Adjustment makes time stretch. And adaptation makes it go woosh. We were adjusting to the new year in Jan, and then in March we were adjusting to the RMO. *shrugs*

Harini nak tulis pasal apa eh. Sebenarnya dua tiga hari ni aku banyak idea nak tulis. Nak tulis pasal jenis-jenis daun la, (sebab semalam aku salah beli sayur) HAHAHAHA masalahnya sayur yang sangat... common yer omg aku malu nak cakap but but... 

Aku terbeli kangkung. Padahal mak aku suruh beli sawi. Ok dekat tempat sayur tu aku cek label ok, SAWI. SAWI. Sape letak kangkung dekat tempat sawi??? Hello??? Ni mesti kerja customer. Memula masa aku amik tu aku tak berapa nak syak pape la en. Tapi masa aku bawak sayur tu gi dekat kereta en. Eh. Nape makin lama aku tenung sawi ni makin dia nampak cam kangkung. Tapi aku in denial lagi waktu tu. Nak dekat2 sampai rumah baru pale otak aku cam syit syit syit it's frikkin kangkung. Habis kene basuh dengan mak aku balik ni.

End up memang kena bebel la lama jugak mak aku bebel sebab bagi dia ni kesilapan yang takleh diterima huaaaaaa.

Whatevr. Still salah orang yang letak kangkung kat tempat sawi.

P/s: oh ayat mak aku cmni, 'kalau tertukar bayam dengan kangkung tahan lagi, ni sawi and kangkung!!!' k bye I taktau la benda2 ni, I makan kale jk i've never seen kale, I have no idea what it looks like, and I'm not interested.

Lockdown Ramadhan Diaries #1: Proud

I aim to write alllll 30 days of Ramadhan. Because I want to. And because I’m at home. Because it’s the oddest, most interesting Ramadhan ever. All locked up.

Day 1 berjaya Alhamdulillah! What is time T__T I tak kahwin lagiiii *panik2*

It’s 3.18am so I’m not going to say much. Just nak share gambar ni. Salah satu kebanggaan hari ni.

Semua prepare sendiri beb!

Here’s the thing. Kitorang and by kitorang I mean my whole fam sejenis tak masak. Paling2 masak sayur, dadar/goreng telur. Lauk luar. It’s been that way for so many years I think since I primary. Ada la sekali dua setahun masak😂 full course. But since the pkp our kitchen has been berasap la orang kata. Tapi hari ni aku especially bangga sebab tak pernah lagi bulan puasa tak depend dekat makanan bazar. Alhamdulillah. We started slowly two days prior. Prepare ingredients for rendang and karipap. Simple tapi sangat bermakna bagi aku. Bless my mom yang tukang masak. Penat gila prepare bahan, I’m honestly starting to get tired of the whole thing but today felt different.

Selamat menjalani ibadah puasa semua! Keep me in your prayers❤️

💔

I just saw a tiktok video of a father and son. The son was showing his dad a joke/prank. The one where you made a phone out of paper and place it on the person’s hand and tell them to repeat the last thing they said (wing; because prior to that you show them a picture of a butterfly and point at the wing and ask them what it is) repeatedly. So when the person goes ‘wing wing wing’ you pick up the phone. It’s silly cute. So the son did that and the dad started laughing heartily.

And I remember my own dad who has a very similar laugh. His laugh is from the heart. It’s one of my favourite sounds in the world. He’s such a happy person, he really is. It takes a lot to bring him down. I miss that laugh. I can hear it again and again.

I didn’t know I was capable of missing my dad this much but here we are. Maybe I’ll call him tomorrow. I’d be too shy to tell him I miss him. Maybe I’ll just text him. Or maybe I’ll call and just ask him what’s going on. Yeah maybe I should just do that.

Lagi

Dua post dalam masa lebih kurang 24 jam? Ini fenomena baru. Hahaha. I’m actually on my phone right now so it’s not very user friendly. I just needed to say one thing:

We need to read more.

I don’t know what came over me today but I was feeling a little bit... down. And I scrolled Twitter and I felt... lagi down. I saw interactions between people and felt slightly annoyed, for lack of better term, at how things just fly over some people’s heads. A total tepuk dahi moment ya feel? And it really isn’t my place to be like ‘oh Gosh tu pon tak paham ke, tu pon tak reti ke’ because I would’ve made the exact same mistake, sometimes your brain just farts. Sometimes you say or do something really stupid despite of it all. But I still stand by my statement la. We really need to read more. I’m talking to you, Malaysians. My fellow Malaysian youth, hello, takde yang baca kot. But that’s what I’m heavily feeling right now la. We need to cut the crap, and pick up a book. Enough with the shit-posting, enough with the trash-talking, enough with everything. Let’s all just read.

And the word is concerned!!! Yes concerned! Not annoyed. I’m concerned! It just came to me lol. See? I’m going to read. But now I’m going to sleep first.

Laughing as you breathe out, easy

It's currently 12.39am on a Sunday. I'm home obviously. But I've been home for almost two weeks.

Future Shafiqah if you're reading this - yes you're supposed to be working but you're quarantined because of COVID frikkin 19 or the ronas as the internet people call it. The Gen Zs of the internet precisely. Most Malaysians call it the covid-19. That's why you're stuck at home. And you're bored but you love it. Your tummy is filled. You have water and electricity. There is nothing to complain about... nothing. Not even the fact that online classes are starting and you're feeling slightly anxious thinking about it especially your poor internet connection (darn u Maxis; also, because of the RMO - that stands for Restriction of Movement Order btw, the tech guy can't come over to fix it) but you can still use your phone. You have running data. Don't - just don't. Don't stress. You're fine. You're totally, dangerously, out-of-this-world fine.

I took a nap today and I terbabas till 8pm that's why I'm still up... not that I sleep very early pun since RMO started but I like to get an early start. Especially since I need to wake up early tomorrow to prepare myself for the online class ting.. no livestream thank God. Just worksheets. Ok don't - don't start. No stress... no stress... ada few worksheets from few weeks ago tak key in lagi I have to do it tomorrow morning but no stress... honestly no stress...

Life has been pretty swell tbh. But I want moreeee. I demand more. I've been looking at pictures of this thing I want because law of attraction you know what they say... but I also believe in Divine Intervention - if I keep showing God how much I want it, and showing myself how much I want it, so much that I can cry, He'll give it to me and I'll find a way to receive that. Doesn't really matter how long it takes. But I hope not too long la. I can get emotional thinking about it. Ok saspen, aku nak pi Switzerland hahahahahaha okay hear me out I actually want to go to the countryside doesn't matter where initially, I just wanted to see green landscape and mountains and all that cool stuff ya feel? And Switzerland is perfect. Actually I think NZ has all that was well but I want to go Switzerland la.

Till then. 2 more weeks of RMO as of now. Can you believe this shiz. I can't. So much to reflect on. So much. May Allah ease allllllll souls. May we receive His Light, Guidance, and Brilliance always.

Kobe

I don't know why Kobe's death is impacting me this way. The moment I woke up and opened twitter the first tweet I saw was 'Did Kobe really die' or something along those lines and I was like What? What? 

It feels surreal because just weeks ago the video of him and his daughter at a game was circulating and achieved meme status. I RT-ed the vid saying how pretty his daughter was.

And now they're both dead.

Death really is a b*tch, no? A big one. The way it creeps up on you. But in death's defence, it warns you. Every second of every day. It never said it wouldn't come. It said it would, just never said when.

I went for a jog later today and I still thought about it. Life goes on anyways. Here I am jogging. Here my neighbour is, watering his plants. Here my other neighbour is, walking his dog. The world will not stop for you. Even their family, their family will eventually have to go on with their lives. Wake up, have breakfast, go to school, go to work. Until death claims them.

Which makes me think, why stop for anyone, then? No matter how legendary, not even your death halts the world. So why die before time?

Whew!

It's been so long since I've written anything on here, the last one was right around the time before I sat for professional exams. It's 2020 already. Halfway into the first month. And I oop.

After oath-taking and everyone settled back into their own homes, I had a few friends over for a wedding ceremony of our batchmates (which was the start of quite a number afterwards). And then I started to look for a job. I started in a cafe which name won't be mentioned in a huge mall in KL *wink2 as a barista and it SUCCed. Like reaaaally sucked in every aspect imaginable hahaha. The first week I couldn't feel my hands like I couldn't even flex my fingers fully because of I don't even know - and my first offday I slept till 2pm or something like that. The superiors were no help either. It's a cutthroat business, F&B, and I was desperate for a way out. My coworkers were nice tho, I made many new friends. A month and a few days into my job I got to know of an offer by a friend to sit in for the receptionist at her old office who's on maternity leave. I frikkin pounced. My last day in that cafe they made a concoction of coffee and all that nasty shid and poured it all over me. Made such a mess in the backroom. The video is somewhere. I've never asked to see it. Never really... wanted to. Just wanted to bounce asap. Off I went to this new office located in Chow Kit.

And it was just fine. Except the pay was way too low but because I was desperate and needed an excuse, I accepted. The offer was initially for three weeks to one month and I told them I wanted to commit for three weeks. And then it became a month, and I told them this is as much as I can do lol. So expensive to commute with that salary! :( Funny la bila fikir balik.

So after I stopped working kat situ, I wanted to give myself a week la at least; rehat chill2 kat rumah. But I started to panic cos I felt like - nah I need an income. Again I went to our friend maukerjaDotcom and applied for positions close to home. I wanted to try a clinic nearby but I decided against it due to reasons I'm not even sure. I just didn't feel like working there. That happened on a Saturday/Sunday and on Monday I went for interview, Selasa masuk kerja. As a kindy teacher sampaila sekarang hahaha ughhh.

No it's just that working sucks. I hate the daily going to work thing, the being at work thing, the coming back and not having energy for shid thing. But I also know people who work two three jobs to survive. Do they hate it I bet they do, with all their core. That's why everyone is so angry and stressed. Happiness is now a privilege. Don't you feel it? Like if someone is all smiles and joyful it's cos they can afford to be that way. Hahahaha. Their life permits them to smile and be jovial. Idk I believe so!

That's as far as my working ting goes lah. The stuff that happens in between pun boleh tahan jugak. Ada good ada bad hehe. The good I keep to myself lah malu. The bad I vent on here lah hehehe. So I got into an accident and it wasn't the accident alone yang bad, the whole darn experience was bad. The dealing with the police officers was bad. Can you imagine they took a whole I think two three months to let me know that my case was supposed to be reported at a different branch? And that the first sergeant didn't even bother to update me and gave one-word answers when I asked? And once the 'transfer' was made I was already at my second job - and it wasn't even transferred, I had to make a new report at IPD KL because IPD Ampang took too long to transfer the case. I remember that day very well, I attempted to drive to the station from work but the whole place was jammed, and I gave up, parked somewhere and took the train. And then once I arrived at the station dapat tau belum transfer, kena tunggu lagi. Tak transfer2 juga, buat report baru. Naik atas kena sound dengan sergeant sebab datang lambat. Masa berdepan dengan sjn tu memang aku mula nangis dah tapi aku tahannnn tahannnn. Keluar2 je stesen nak jalan balik ke LRT station aku call mak aku and nangis puas2. Feels good, nangis in KL traffic. Nobody bats an eye, it's too noisy, everyone is too busy minding their own business. Your tears flow freely. I haven't cried that way in a long, long time. Alllll the way to Pasar Seni station from IPD HS Lee. Hahahahaha best gila wey nanges!

Oh and last week student aku kena sengat tebuan dalam kelas and I had to drive him to emergency that poor guy but we live. We live.

Till next time.

Quick One

Can't believe it's... 15 more days to my final Professional Exam, tadi telah melakukan kesilapan yang julung kali yer, masuk2 station hernia mata aku galak carik hernia sampai tulang pak cik aku cakap lump yer. Pangggggg sebijik kat muka sendiri. Tak pernah2.

Adoi.

I'm here because I want to recap; and without looking at the book I want to test myself hahahahaha.

So here goes;

Mid-inguinal POINT is between the ASIS and the pubic symphysis (the first bony prominence from the umbilicus); this is where you palpate for the femoral pulse.

Mid-point of mid-inguinal ligament is, between the ASIS and pubic TUBERCLE (the first bony prominence after you go laterally from the pubic symphysis), and 2cm above that. This is where the deep inguinal ring should lie.

Huhu.

Berbahagialah

I’m tired. I’m tired of being sad. Ada satu masa tu aku berharap musibah timpa aku so that I can maybe feel alive. So that I can be jolted awake. Because I was in a perpetual state of sadness. I was like, what will it take? What does it take? Bodoh kan?

Bila datang rezeki Allah bagi dia register dalam otak je. Tak sampai ke hati. I was numb.

I have so much to be thankful for. So much to be happy for.

I’m done now. That phase is (read:must be) over. Enough is enough.

10.41pm 17/6

Young and full of running
Tell me where's that taking me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me
For all of my trying
We still end up dying
How can it be?

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

John Mayer, Edge of Desire 

Politics...

Malaysian politics; budaya malu ape bossku, budaya video M2M. 

Bravo. 

Pia

Currently in my favourite cafe in Kuantan. If things go well inshaAllah and I graduate this year (Ameeeeen ameeeen) I am soooo going to miss this place. There's a similar branch in KL but it's in Cyberjaya if I'm not mistaken which is so far from home. I'll enjoy it while I can. I can't believe I only have one month + to be here. MashaAllah. MashaAllah. I cannot. Believe.

Anyways aku nak cite pasal series yang aku boleh tahan follow la jugak + meroyan dekat twitter hahahahaha. I did it partly because I genuinely geram dengan cite, and also cos it felt funny to do so. Tajuk cite Pia, penerbit Sheila Rusly. Cite ni start masa minggu pertama pose dekat rumah, so me and my mom watched it together at first. Balik uni aku follow lagi. Jumaat lepas ending dia. LEmme tell you sis... TAK PUAS HATI OKEH?!

Story started dua orang anak yatim piatu, Pia and her younger brother who is an OKU. As a child Pia ni strong pertahankan mak dia, masa kecik gaya macam don't mess with me. And then two guys confessed to her, and I loved the way she handled it, dia cam lek2 jewp, ada jodoh ada la, takde means takde. Ok foine. So laki sorang ni (Zafran) gi sambung belaja kat overseas, despite suruh dia tunggu dia pi bercinta dengan orang lain kat sana. Aku tak terkejut. HAHAHAHA. Yang laki second ni pulak (Jibon) pi kerja kat Jepun, jumpa pulak awek Jepun and kahwin dengan dia. Terkontang-kanting la Pia ni kat Malaysia. Mampu sendu sorang2 je. Masa ni aku kesian lagi la dekat dia, sebab di luar kuasa dia kan semua ni. But okay sis when the two men came back, be amicable, be courteous, semua dah besar en nak bitter2 watpe. BUT STAY AWAY FROM THEM LAH, JANJI PUN TAKLEH NAK PEGANG, MAINTAIN YOUR DISTANCE AND PI KAWEN DENGAN DR KARL LAH!!! But nooooo lemme tell you what she did. Dia bagi can dekat Zafran ni kali kedua, DESPITE dia mintak maaf hangat2 taik ayam je. Binch gimme the whole melutut, blow up my phone, apologize to my loved ones sekali! Gittohhh hahahaha over. And!!! Tak habis lagi!!! DESPITE GIRLFRIEND DIA POST-MVA DEKAT WARD. OK PART NI AKU TAK TAHAN. PIA YOU WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE 'MANA GF KAU? MASUK WAD? OH BAPAK DIA TAK KASI JUMPA? SO KAU DATANG BALIK KAT AKU? NYAH KAU. SILA SINGLE.'

Nooooooo Pia gi terima ye. I think this part bolehlaaaaa lepas aku pikir2 oklaaaa hidup dia tengah susah dengan Budi and Zafran can give her a better life. If I were in her shoes aku terima kottt daripada duduk dalam bilik belakang in a shophouse T___T Ok. Lepas kahwin Zafran buat apa? Menyetan. (And I literally mean it; tak puasa, and berzina sddkjdfhdf) Terseksalah seorang Pia. Ok yadda2 fast forward Pia tuntut cerai, went to Dubai to rebuild her life, Zafran stres dua tahun, status Pia and Zafran masih suami isteri (part ni aku roll eyes gila2 la, kau boleh tergantung camtu beb ya Allahhhh kau pi Dubai kot, bukak bisnes sendiri, rupa boleh tahan, tapi takleh nak kahwin. Kalau aku pengarah aku buat Pia balik2 tu dah kahwin dengan Pak Arab) Pia balik Malaysia, and Zafran ada kena sekolah sikit la dengan Pia. Tetiber. Zafran buta. Pia terima Zafran balik. (malas nak komen)

Dalam Derita Pia (final ep) Zafran mintak kahwin dengan Qis sebab dia kata dia sayang Qis jugak. The audacity. The. Audacity.

Where do men get all this confidence eh? Is it all that testosterone? Dam. Nak gak.

Instead of sekolahkan Zafran lagi sekali cos I would've been like 'woi tak sedar diri aku dah bagi peluang kali kedua and kau OKU aku jaga kau, mau kahwin lagi satu? subhanAllah... takyah jadi manusia la wey' but Pia being Pia... 'saya boleh undur diri' Pia KAU NAK UNDUR MANA LAGI. DAH SAMPAI AFRIKA DAH KAU UNDUR MAK CIKKKKK. TOLONG AR JANGAN JADI TEROMPAH SURAU, SUKA HATI JE ORANG GUNA TAPI TAKDE SAPE NAK BAWAK BALIK. HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECC. And by having self-respect, betul undur diri tu tapi SEKOLAHKAN DIA DULU. MENGAMUK SIKIT. SHOW HIM THAT WHAT HE'S DOING IS WRONG FOR TRAMPLING ON YOU SESUKA HATI! babun punya laki.

Sorry emo.

Pia pun bagi la Zafran kahwin dua. Qis pregnant. Pia mana anak kau Pia? Oh that's right, you got into a physical squabble with Zafran and miscarried. Remember? Zafran bermanja dengan Qis depan Pia. Wowwwwww hati manusia mana tak remuk. Eh aku nak test la kalau perempuan can marry more than one, and then bermanja dengan laki dia sorang lagi depan laki dia yang sorang, kot2 apa jadi? That's right, a bloodbath. Frikkin world war three. Lelaki kalau berat dia 80kg, ego dia 160kg. Double. Salam, you can never be fair. Allah SWT je Maha Adil. Makan hati la isteri2 kau. Maaff cakap. Ada yang sanggup. Ada yang tak sanggup. Good luck mencari.

Anyway. Ending dia kau nak tahu,, Pia and Zafran eksiden. And guess why? Zafran punca. AND THIS LADY PLEDGED TO DONATE HER EYES TO ZAFRAN. PIA MENINGGAL LAST2. Oh lupa nak cakap, Budi dah meninggal juga dalam cerita ni, allegedly secondary to NAI. By that stupit Mak Ngah.

Tu lah ending dia guys :))))))))))) Seumur hidup jadi alas kaki, and bagi mata dekat orang yang seksa kau. Ada eh orang camni? Takde, sebab tu jadi fiksyen. Hahahahaha. Tamat.

Kalau difikirkan dengan lebih mendalam. OMG lit review ke ape ni. Kalau betuuuul2 hidup untuk akhirat, kita akan jadi Pia. Baik tak berpada2, jahat tidak sekali. But we're human. There is no way. And I mean no way. We can wholeheartedly be that way. This is my opinion. Survival instincts kita masih ada. Kita bukan malaikat. That's why we have principles, and boundaries. By establishing these, we learn to respect ourselves and teach others to do the same. It's just how life is.

Dah la.

Maman

One of the people I’m going to miss the most when I graduate this year inshaALLAH is maman. Maman jaga kiosk dekat mahallah bawah ni. Since first year rasanya. Lama dah kenal maman :’) Suka tengok maman, lembut and ramah. Waktu solat punctual. Ada sekali tu, student hilang phone dalam kiosk. Cari dekat kaunter Maman. Maman ngadu kat aku masa tu, I still remember his expression. He looked so sad, dia cakap dia rasa tak sedap budak tu buat macam tu depan customer yang lain; imply macam dia pulak yang curi. Alahai Maman :’) 

Baru2 ni ok takdela baru sangat, berminggu lepas la jugak aku kalut dan keCEMASan, tak sedar duit tak cukup dalam purse nak beli barang. Bukak2 je wallet, alamak, duit tak cukup. Aku bagitau maman, dia cakap takpe nanti2 je bayar. Aku pun blah, sebab situasi CEMAS waktu tu aku lupa nak rekod dalam fon (biasanya aku akan take note hutang tulis dalam hp) tiba2 dua hari lepas entah mimpi apa aku macam teringat balik. Hmm. Macam ada hutang something dengan Maman. Tapi aku tak ingat apa benda. And aku ni jenis kalau tak ingat tu memang tak ingat bahahahaha. Aku pun tak tau la kena makan minyak ikan kot. Aku pun bagitaula Maman, aku rasa aku ada hutang dengan dia tapi aku tak ingat aku beli apa. So aku suruh dia kipdecen (keep the change, lawak komik Ujang omg I miss Ujang/Apo/G3, tiberrr) tapi dia tolak. Aku insist jugak, dia beria tolak. Dia cakap takpe, ‘nanti Allah bagi ingat’ aku pun yela2 ambik balik duit tu sambil dalam otak ligat pikir mendeeeela yang aku hutang kat dia ni. Dan hampir givap coz like I said! Aku takkan ingat punye bro potong jari bro! 

Until today. Aku tak pikir pun, sebab exam harini. Tiba2 je aku jadi ingat balik😂 Mungkin sebab aku ada guna benda tu lately ni, tapi kalau nak cakap gitu, benda tu ada je dalam almari (misteri kan benda tu hahahahahaha bai) selama ni. Hmmm. 

Makbul doa kau Man. Maha suci Allah. 

Aku perati je

Baru2 ni viral kisah pasal seorang figura (cewah) agamawan (dem), who divorced his wife via text while she was pregnant. Masa aku memula baca kisah tu memang sedih la tak payah cakap! And I talked about it with friends. Bukak2 twitter rupanya identiti figura itu sudah diexpose (cue the Expose song) dan sudah tentulah kecaman bermula... aku macam biasa scroll2 la nak tengok gak orang cakap apa. Boleh katakan hampir 100% bersimpati dengan nasib wife figure ni. Tapi yang membuatkan aku cam ada 'hmph' moment - is when men kecam lebih macam takde esok. Kecam macam dia suci murni. Kecam pedas terbabas. Aku perati je.

I don't mind my girls. We've been mistreated and exploited by men since the beginning of times. Tapi bila lelaki acah bag0s ni. Rasa menyampah. Kembang tekak aku rasa nak muntah lololol. So don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the act of kecam-ing this figure, I mean, he deserves it. Although, personally, in dealing with even the worse of people pon kita kena jaga adab walaupun dalam hati menyumpah seranah. I'm talking about the group of people. These men who pounce on the chance of someone else's tragedy to be like 'Wey aku bagus gile aku tak camni do omg takleh brain do orang camni omg' like shut up, seriously shut up.

It's good that you have the conscience and the sense right now, (itupun kau dengan Tuhan je yang tahu, but still, lololololol COME ON) but seeing that makes me want to GAG.

This might piss some people off but I honestly don't give a dam. I have always been wary of men, and rightly so. Still find myself disappointed every day. But surprised? Not a teeeeny bit.

Ugh

Semalam balik wad postcall terlalu sedih dan penat untuk mandi so aku tido atas lantai sebab taknak kotorkan katil. Ya aku tido bergelumang Staph semalam. Jangan tiru. Bapak aku dengar tu dia bantai gelak. Bangun2 pagi tadi (lewat) slow2 keluar dari bilik sebab duduk dalam bilik rasa macam tak boleh nafas. Rasa macam nak baring atas lantai pandang kipas pusing2. 

Keluar2 tadi kena carut dengan orang sebab bodo bawak kete (sori la bodo) sampai2 kafe bukak laptop, tak ingat ada air belakang laptop, tertolak air dengan laptop habis tumpah orang semua tengok. Kau ghase??? 

Rasa macam palat.

Yes, rasa palat sebab orang macam aku yang DASS bahagian anxiety tinggi terlebey tak boleh handle benda2 macam ni. Dan aku rasa this is a major flaw of mine yang aku kena correct. So what tak reti amik darah? Boleh belajar, dan kesilapan yang aku buat semalam inshaAllah aku akan ingat sampai bila2. So what termakan lane orang, people do it all the time, everyday, syukur je nothing major happened. So what air tumpah, AIR JE SHAFIQAH. Air. Kemon. The waiter and waitress were nice about it (harusla) and ganti air kau dengan air yang baru, and orang2 tengok tu setakat toleh2 je and sambung makan. Oh air tumpah. Big frikkin deal. Kau je yang rasa macam nak hentak kepala kat meja time tu. 

Mungkin sebab banyak benda yang terjadi back to back kau rasa macam nak mencarut jerit2. 

Tangan aku fine tremor ni daripada tadi. Tekak kembang tunggu masa nak nangis. 

Haih.